A new friend I just started spending some time with was asking me what my hobbies are/were and wanted to know who I was before kids. Now, although a huge part of my identity, and certainly time, is consumed and shaped by having kids and being a Mom, I think I was someone before all that too. Right now, it is a little hard to remember. My hours seem to be quickly filled with cooking, cleaning, washing and folding laundry, picking up toys and picking them up again. Basically, repeat. I try to find "beauty" in the ordinary and the everyday and look for ways to enjoy even the "chores" and responsibilities that I have. I try to spend time sitting with my kids being silly, playing with them, teaching them and loving them but there are always the other things of life to do too.
So, back to the original question. You know how once you do something or have something, it is hard to imagine life without it? That is certainly true for me when it comes to using buttermilk or fresh lemons to bake, and that is most definitely how it is when it comes to having kids. I know I was someone before, that I felt busy and had many things to occupy my time but now it is easy to forget and I wonder why I wasn't more productive, purposeful or useful with all my "free" time before kids. Then I think of other moms who have 4 and 6 kids and I honestly don't know how they do it! Sure, you can get a lot done when kids are at school or sleeping but a lot of times we have to go to work too and sometimes we need to sleep also.
I guess I always liked to bake but now that I find myself in for the evening most nights by 8:30 I like to do some late night baking. I have always loved to take pictures but my subject matter and my mediums have changed. I started with film and then digital, blogging, camera phone and now Instagram. I started with still life and friends, scenery and travel and architecture and I moved to my dogs and nature and now mostly my kids. I have always liked to try cooking and doing new things in the kitchen but I am less intimidated now, my spices cabinet is more diversified and I try to find beauty in the task of cooking each and every day while still trying to nourish my family with good food. I have always loved nature and the outdoors which was fostered in me at a young age. I grew up on 18 acres with plenty of room to roam, explore, climb trees, hang out and garden with my Dad, play in a sandbox or roam through the meadow or play in our creek or playhouse nestled in the trees. We spent summer vacations backpacking and camping and spending long days outside. Now I spend time raking rainbow colored leaves from my front yard, taking my dogs on walks in the woods and sitting in the sunshine with my kids while they play in the yard giggling and playing on blankets and swings. I always liked crafty things although I've never been too artistic in terms of drawing, molding, painting, etc. It began years ago with my wedding album and Valentine making parties with dear friends over wine and now I decorate baby books and travel albums. I have always loved to travel and see new things. This was taught to me at a young age. I even got to travel to Africa as a young girl and lived in Spain for a few months with my husband. Now I travel the 1-5 corridor to visit my family from Portland down to So. Oregon. Now I travel the downtown city blocks several times a week walking my kids to school while I go to work. We try to take our kids to new places and help them experience and navigate the world around them as much as we can and we long to take them on bigger adventures as they grow bigger and older and their curiosity grows. I've loved music my whole life and played different instruments growing up. Now my piano sadly gathers too much dust as I compete to play it with my spirited toddler and my radio often blares kids music and silly songs about pickles and pretzels. But I also get to share music with my kids and have after dinner dance parties with babies on my hip and hands enclosed in mine while we twirl and boogie and shake.
So, who was I before. I was a lot of things, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee and adventurer, a nature lover, a dog lover, a photographer, a baker, etc. Now I am all these but I balance them (or try to) with the other daily responsibilities and joys that are my life as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, adventurer, creator, nature lover, baker, dog lover, and MOM. As far as I am concerned, it makes me a richer person and makes me feel all the things that I am just a little bit deeper. Being a Mom has allowed me to feel and experience the things in my life on a whole new level. I am challenged daily to my core. The core of who I am, how much patience I have, what I believe, what I think I know and what I question. I am pushed to my line often and sometimes fall over. I fail and I pick myself up. I dream and cry and love and want and desire and hope and yearn and hate and embrace all that I'm living.
So, who was I before. Honestly, I can't remember. I am who I am now. That's enough for me. I'm being redeemed by my Maker daily and I am held in his love and mercy. I don't cling to the past to return to it or reclaim it. I rejoice in who I have been allowed to be and I hope for who I'll become. And with grace and mercy and a little luck, I think it will be just a little bit better then I am today.
Showing posts with label musings on life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings on life. Show all posts
06 November 2013
13 June 2013
a jumble of words, thoughts, emotions and the like
Lately being a parent has grown exponentially harder. My infant is starting to roll around, want to be held to standing and take shorter and fewer naps during the day and require more interaction and my toddler has required a level of interaction management that can leave me truly mentally exhausted by the end of the day. Don't get me wrong, it is the most amazing job in the world to parent these two beautiful spirited girls and to watch them growing together as sisters and siblings; and it is wonderful to watch my husband as he forms a bond with Elodie and as Aven idolizes and adores her Daddy.
We've just been trying to enjoy the small things in life since the days are so busy with all kinds of moments. The other day I just laid on a blanket in the grass with my girls staring up at the blue afternoon sky and enjoying the sunshine. Sure, I had piles of laundry and bills to pay, I'm sure there were a few spiders staking their claim somewhere in my house or a dog pooping in my yard but I decide to have a "stop and smell the roses" kind of moment and just spend time being with my kiddos. When Abe got home we both laid on the blanket giggling and talking with Aven and smiling at Elodie. We gave the girls airplanes and stared up at the puffy white clouds as they drifted dreamily through the late afternoon sky overhead. Two days ago I had some sick kiddos and a pretty sick Mama but I spent some time in the afternoon making a homemade quiche and skillet potatoes while the girls laid on the floor on Elodie's activity mat and interacted and entertained each other. Taking time even if it is only a few minutes to really engage with my kiddos or to do something I like can really rejuvenate me and help me to realize that the sacrifices we give up at the end of the day are worth it.
Lately I've been inspired by this person, a mom, photographer and adventurer. She and her husband sold their house in L.A. and are moving to Texas but before they do they are on the road traveling with their trailer and 4 kids and are really going taking this time to focus on family. Joy's words are inspiring because she is really trying to prioritize in life and to determine daily what her priorities are. This is the journey that I've been on specifically these last 6 months since having Elodie and trying to find my new place and identity as it as shifted more from working Mom to full-time Mom and wife and away from the career focus that I had and towards serving my family and husband each day. The last six months have been a trying time for our family although they have reaped enormous blessings too; living with question marks in my life is not something I do well. While I yearn for the unplanned and spontaneous and while I hope that I am not too rigid, I am a planner at heart. When I had Elodie, things seemed to shift and I really felt that God was calling me to serve my family more, to spend more time home with my kids. While this was also a desire of my heart too, it was a leap of faith giving up my job and asking God to provide a way for our family. There have been changes for all of us not just going from a family of 3-4 but less time for the dogs to get hiked, another child to share the attention with and another person that needs and demands my attention. And of course, there are all the things that existed before this new little life.
As the title states, a jumble of words (hence this rambling posting), thoughts and emotions. I've been feeling everything lately. Anger (and consequently how to exercise patience) at learning how to deal with my challenging 3 year old. Fear (at knowing what the future holds for our family in terms of jobs, life, etc). Overwhelming love (when I look at the beautiful faces of my children, when they sleep in my arms and take deep breaths or when they listen intently at a story or smile at my silliness). Joy (when I see the sunshine and know that I will get to spend time outside with my family instead of always working). I am thankful that I don't feel regret or bitterness or sadness. I am just trying to figure out the best way I can be a Mama to my little ones and wife to my husband and to also make sure to feed myself and the things that matter in our life. It has been a good start to hopefully a long journey of introspection and prioritization. I am still processing a lot and can't eloquently put into words everything I am thinking. At the end of the day, its a busy life and I just try to let myself relax.
Right now I can hear the hum of the swing rocking my 6 month old to sleep and her deep baby breaths going in and out. I can hear the sweet snore of my older dog Eleanor as she sleeps off the sunny day curled next to Ethel having a doggy dream. And I can hear the whimpering and snoring of my 3 year old who took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the afternoon and can't fall asleep. Yes, it is a long and busy day and I'm on call all night long.
God is good; all the time. All the time; God is good.
He has taken care of us each and every day since we were married 14 years ago; and he always will and for that I am thankful.
For the blessings that I am given each and every day I am thankful.
And for my family and the love they give me; I am thankful.
We've just been trying to enjoy the small things in life since the days are so busy with all kinds of moments. The other day I just laid on a blanket in the grass with my girls staring up at the blue afternoon sky and enjoying the sunshine. Sure, I had piles of laundry and bills to pay, I'm sure there were a few spiders staking their claim somewhere in my house or a dog pooping in my yard but I decide to have a "stop and smell the roses" kind of moment and just spend time being with my kiddos. When Abe got home we both laid on the blanket giggling and talking with Aven and smiling at Elodie. We gave the girls airplanes and stared up at the puffy white clouds as they drifted dreamily through the late afternoon sky overhead. Two days ago I had some sick kiddos and a pretty sick Mama but I spent some time in the afternoon making a homemade quiche and skillet potatoes while the girls laid on the floor on Elodie's activity mat and interacted and entertained each other. Taking time even if it is only a few minutes to really engage with my kiddos or to do something I like can really rejuvenate me and help me to realize that the sacrifices we give up at the end of the day are worth it.
Lately I've been inspired by this person, a mom, photographer and adventurer. She and her husband sold their house in L.A. and are moving to Texas but before they do they are on the road traveling with their trailer and 4 kids and are really going taking this time to focus on family. Joy's words are inspiring because she is really trying to prioritize in life and to determine daily what her priorities are. This is the journey that I've been on specifically these last 6 months since having Elodie and trying to find my new place and identity as it as shifted more from working Mom to full-time Mom and wife and away from the career focus that I had and towards serving my family and husband each day. The last six months have been a trying time for our family although they have reaped enormous blessings too; living with question marks in my life is not something I do well. While I yearn for the unplanned and spontaneous and while I hope that I am not too rigid, I am a planner at heart. When I had Elodie, things seemed to shift and I really felt that God was calling me to serve my family more, to spend more time home with my kids. While this was also a desire of my heart too, it was a leap of faith giving up my job and asking God to provide a way for our family. There have been changes for all of us not just going from a family of 3-4 but less time for the dogs to get hiked, another child to share the attention with and another person that needs and demands my attention. And of course, there are all the things that existed before this new little life.
As the title states, a jumble of words (hence this rambling posting), thoughts and emotions. I've been feeling everything lately. Anger (and consequently how to exercise patience) at learning how to deal with my challenging 3 year old. Fear (at knowing what the future holds for our family in terms of jobs, life, etc). Overwhelming love (when I look at the beautiful faces of my children, when they sleep in my arms and take deep breaths or when they listen intently at a story or smile at my silliness). Joy (when I see the sunshine and know that I will get to spend time outside with my family instead of always working). I am thankful that I don't feel regret or bitterness or sadness. I am just trying to figure out the best way I can be a Mama to my little ones and wife to my husband and to also make sure to feed myself and the things that matter in our life. It has been a good start to hopefully a long journey of introspection and prioritization. I am still processing a lot and can't eloquently put into words everything I am thinking. At the end of the day, its a busy life and I just try to let myself relax.
Right now I can hear the hum of the swing rocking my 6 month old to sleep and her deep baby breaths going in and out. I can hear the sweet snore of my older dog Eleanor as she sleeps off the sunny day curled next to Ethel having a doggy dream. And I can hear the whimpering and snoring of my 3 year old who took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the afternoon and can't fall asleep. Yes, it is a long and busy day and I'm on call all night long.
God is good; all the time. All the time; God is good.
He has taken care of us each and every day since we were married 14 years ago; and he always will and for that I am thankful.
For the blessings that I am given each and every day I am thankful.
And for my family and the love they give me; I am thankful.
26 January 2012
trying something new
It is a new year so I have tried to have a positive and outgoing outlook on life for not just the new year but hopefully a bit of a new me. I started with some simple things like a new blog post and a fresh look at my closet (cleaning things out even though I might be emotionally attached to them). Some things worked: got rid of several bags of stuff I didn't wear, need or use and some things didn't: didn't like the new blog template at all! And some things have yet to happen: going through my books & CD's. This is a daunting yet super necessary task. And other things are still up in the air waiting to be decided: where to go, what to do with life, work, kids, etc....you know the little details of life.
You may notice that this is a theme with me this year and that you may notice a certain uncertainty in my writing and my commitment to the future. It seems that a variety of circumstances have brought me to this point and now I just have to combine my courage and my faith, my wit and good sense and a whole lot of other un-namable stuff together to make a concrete decision.
In life, it seems like trying something new can often have as many successes as failures and maybe that is why after so many new starts or attempts at new things, sometimes we often lose the will to try these new things however great or small. For instance, I sometimes buy clothes that seem to be not really "me" but then I think, why aren't they me? I can choose something new! And sometimes it works....and other times the shirt or pair of pants or new dress gets worn once and then sits in its place awaiting another shot....but it is just not me.....so it waits and waits and finally makes a trip to be either returned or to the consignment shop. So the next time I am tempted I may remember my failure to turn over a new leaf (or embrace a new fashion) or I may be willing to fail at this new attempt of style. Whatever the reaction, it can definately make an impression or begin a pattern for the future. Perhaps that is why as you get older (and believe you me I am not making that argument yet) it is harder to try new things. We've fallen, failed or just plain been embarassed by these leaps of faith.
As part of my new year, I am trying to get over myself, and that isn't easy to do. I am trying to let go of the failures of the past and especially the failures that I am picturing may happen in the future and combine the excitement of what can be with the faith that it can be good.
So, if you think of me, think (and pray please, if you do) that God would give me the strength to have faith and to push forward and be willing to try something new, even if I fail. To balance practicality with love and adventure and a willingness to try new things whether super small (like a new recipe) or super big: a move and a new place to live.
These are my thoughts; my thoughts on a page- a place to mentally ramble, blow off steam or generally brag about my amazingly blessed life. Thanks for listening.
You may notice that this is a theme with me this year and that you may notice a certain uncertainty in my writing and my commitment to the future. It seems that a variety of circumstances have brought me to this point and now I just have to combine my courage and my faith, my wit and good sense and a whole lot of other un-namable stuff together to make a concrete decision.
In life, it seems like trying something new can often have as many successes as failures and maybe that is why after so many new starts or attempts at new things, sometimes we often lose the will to try these new things however great or small. For instance, I sometimes buy clothes that seem to be not really "me" but then I think, why aren't they me? I can choose something new! And sometimes it works....and other times the shirt or pair of pants or new dress gets worn once and then sits in its place awaiting another shot....but it is just not me.....so it waits and waits and finally makes a trip to be either returned or to the consignment shop. So the next time I am tempted I may remember my failure to turn over a new leaf (or embrace a new fashion) or I may be willing to fail at this new attempt of style. Whatever the reaction, it can definately make an impression or begin a pattern for the future. Perhaps that is why as you get older (and believe you me I am not making that argument yet) it is harder to try new things. We've fallen, failed or just plain been embarassed by these leaps of faith.
As part of my new year, I am trying to get over myself, and that isn't easy to do. I am trying to let go of the failures of the past and especially the failures that I am picturing may happen in the future and combine the excitement of what can be with the faith that it can be good.
So, if you think of me, think (and pray please, if you do) that God would give me the strength to have faith and to push forward and be willing to try something new, even if I fail. To balance practicality with love and adventure and a willingness to try new things whether super small (like a new recipe) or super big: a move and a new place to live.
 |
| Aven, trying something new (pizza counts) |
27 July 2011
Gosh, where has the time gone?
This (mostly) rainy (mostly) cloudy and overcast and (mostly) cool summer is slipping by and I have little to show for it so far. Oh yes, I had many plans of camping with Abe and taking Aven a few times. Going on tons of hikes with the doggies maybe even after work in the evenings while it was still light, getting a garden together for this fall or next spring and doing some major overhaul in the yard...just to name a few. I had wanted to spend more time with friends, make more yummy recipes and finish my book club books, start running a bit and eat healthier.
Hmmm, where am I on this list? It seems like it is going so fast and little has been accomplished. I try not to be discouraged at what I haven't done and focus on what I have. I have taken my dogs out most sunny days I am not working. I have consistently mowed my lawn almost every week this summer. I have thrown a baby shower and taken several meals to friends with new babies. I have spent time with my Mom and Bill, with Abe's Mom and with several friends. Life just gets away from us and all the business of life- the chores, the bills, and the kiddos all take precious time. You have to learn to balance and juggle and prioritize all at once. You make split second decisions about what is most important to do: spend time with my husband or clean the kitchen up after dinner....pick up poop in my yard or take the dogs out for a hike? The few precious hours my child sleeps every day I have off are bombarded with these difficult decisions and yet even if things don't get done it is usually okay. I just have to let the little things go and focus on the big picture.
All of this to say, life has been busy. A few weeks ago Abe's Mom came up to visit us. We had a great time and I know she loved hanging out with Aven. She watched Aven for two days while Abe and I worked and she made dinner. She was really trying to win that super Grandma award! On the weekend, we took her to Port Townsend to do some shopping, browsing and general hanging out. She seemed to really like it as there were many fun antique shops, clothing stores and knitting places. We were a bit challenged on time and probably could have spent a whole other day shopping but such is life. On Sunday I drove Ilene back to Seattle to meet up with her friends to go back to Oregon. Aven did well but she spent a lot of time in the car being driven to and fro that weekend.
Aven is now 15 months. She is walking everywhere and seems to really love her new found freedom. She is experimenting more with certain "words" or sounds and is figuring out more and more how she can communicate with the world. It is really cute. She is understanding more things that we say daily and she is able to help pick up her toys a bit, put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket, ask for more, say she's all done and ask please when eating. She likes her new pink shoes that finally fit her and she loves getting into the kitchen cupboards. She is still getting in all 4 molars. They already poked through on one side but the other prongs are now coming through. She is a bit clingy to Mom especially when I take her to daycare. This is a totally normal phase I know but breaks my heart a little every time. She is perfectly happy and as soon as I set her down and begin to leave she drops her mouth wide open and inhales for a few seconds letting out a terrible cry, big 'ol tears followed by alternating screaming and crying. I know she will be fine but it is difficult nonetheless. She really loves the dogs and likes to interact with them when they will tolerate it. She loves watching older kids play and when they like to interact with her. She is really interested in her books and regularly asks me to take them off the shelf so she can read them to herself. She continues to love music, pushing her tush back and forth to just about any music regardless of beat, rhythm or the like. She continues to be a big eater and loves her fruit (berries especially but also pear, apple, etc), carbs and saltier things like cheese quesadillas and salmon burgers. The other night at dinner she ate and entire salmon burger (none of it on the floor) in addition to many other fruits and snacks. It was actually amazing!
Summer is creeping nearer a close and yet so many things unfinished. I realize that this is a busy time in life and I don't want to look back and regret not spending more time with my family only to check things off a list. Here's to getting a few more things accomplished while enjoying life at the same time.
20 June 2011
direction & questioning
A long time ago when I was a little girl ( a longer time ago each day) I had many dreams about who I would be, where I would live, what I would do and what my kids names would be, what I would do during the summer and how my life would look. Today, it is so amazing but so different from that picture imagined so many years ago. And I am still trying to figure it all out. I live a blessed and amazing life filled with love, beauty, and so many things to be thankful for daily. These things are all around me and provide me comfort. And yet I still seek more. Not more money or stuff but I seek a more rooted being. A body that knows it is home, not just unlocks the door at the end of the day. A heart that feels truly invested in what I spend my time doing and really feeling like it is God's work and my gifting coming to life.
There are so many twists and turns in the road and I haven't figured out just which one to take. There are so many possibilities in terms of job, children, house, place to live, etc. And figuring out the balance of it all and the timing seems tricky at best.
So, what am I rambling about? Well, I have been contemplating going back to school to get my masters degree. Originally in teaching but now considering business for the tuition reimbursement from my employer, the dual function of multiple endorsements for teaching or the marketability of having an MBA for future career possibilities at the bank or otherwise. There are 4 different MBA programs at Western: an accelerated 1 year program, an evening program for working folks (9 quarters 2 days a week from 6-10pm), a weekend program in Everett (every other weekend all day Friday & Saturday) and the regular program. What to do, what to do. Originally I was thinking about the "working person's" MBA program but they only start every even numbered year in June and it is so long so I wouldn't be done until 2015 and that just seemed like too long to commit to. Then I thought about the Weekends program but it is still a long commitment to be gone so much and try to work things out with my work. The accelerated program seems good but it would be a tough year and I would probably need to cut down to super-part time and live on loans? Well, this whole MBA thing is just one piece of the big puzzle right now with Abe's graduate degree and possible career opportunities and his woodworking business. We have the little one to think about the the potential of future little ones and we have our location of living and the option of moving in the future.
Well, that opens a whole different can of worms. Where to move to, when, why and what is the main driving force and need? Will it be for a job, further school, family or who knows?
These are just some of my thoughts right now. Just wondering where the future will take us; will it be here or somewhere else? Feeling a little unsettled about what that hazy picture of me 10 years down the road looks like.
More thoughts to come...
There are so many twists and turns in the road and I haven't figured out just which one to take. There are so many possibilities in terms of job, children, house, place to live, etc. And figuring out the balance of it all and the timing seems tricky at best.
So, what am I rambling about? Well, I have been contemplating going back to school to get my masters degree. Originally in teaching but now considering business for the tuition reimbursement from my employer, the dual function of multiple endorsements for teaching or the marketability of having an MBA for future career possibilities at the bank or otherwise. There are 4 different MBA programs at Western: an accelerated 1 year program, an evening program for working folks (9 quarters 2 days a week from 6-10pm), a weekend program in Everett (every other weekend all day Friday & Saturday) and the regular program. What to do, what to do. Originally I was thinking about the "working person's" MBA program but they only start every even numbered year in June and it is so long so I wouldn't be done until 2015 and that just seemed like too long to commit to. Then I thought about the Weekends program but it is still a long commitment to be gone so much and try to work things out with my work. The accelerated program seems good but it would be a tough year and I would probably need to cut down to super-part time and live on loans? Well, this whole MBA thing is just one piece of the big puzzle right now with Abe's graduate degree and possible career opportunities and his woodworking business. We have the little one to think about the the potential of future little ones and we have our location of living and the option of moving in the future.
Well, that opens a whole different can of worms. Where to move to, when, why and what is the main driving force and need? Will it be for a job, further school, family or who knows?
These are just some of my thoughts right now. Just wondering where the future will take us; will it be here or somewhere else? Feeling a little unsettled about what that hazy picture of me 10 years down the road looks like.
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