13 June 2013

a jumble of words, thoughts, emotions and the like

Lately being a parent has grown exponentially harder.  My infant is starting to roll around, want to be held to standing and take shorter and fewer naps during the day and require more interaction and my toddler has required a level of interaction management that can leave me truly mentally exhausted by the end of the day.  Don't get me wrong, it is the most amazing job in the world to parent these two beautiful spirited girls and to watch them growing together as sisters and siblings;  and it is wonderful to watch my husband as he forms a bond with Elodie and as Aven idolizes and adores her Daddy.

We've just been trying to enjoy the small things in life since the days are so busy with all kinds of moments.  The other day I just laid on a blanket in the grass with my girls staring up at the blue afternoon sky and enjoying the sunshine.  Sure, I had piles of laundry and bills to pay, I'm sure there were a few spiders staking their claim somewhere in my house or a dog pooping in my yard but I decide to have a "stop and smell the roses" kind of moment and just spend time being with my kiddos.  When Abe got home we both laid on the blanket giggling and talking with Aven and smiling at Elodie. We gave the girls airplanes and stared up at the puffy white clouds as they drifted dreamily through the late afternoon sky overhead.  Two days ago I had some sick kiddos and a pretty sick Mama but I spent some time in the afternoon making a homemade quiche and skillet potatoes while the girls laid on the floor on Elodie's activity mat and interacted and entertained each other.  Taking time even if it is only a few minutes to really engage with my kiddos or to do something I like can really rejuvenate me and help me to realize that the sacrifices we give up at the end of the day are worth it.

Lately I've been inspired by this person, a mom, photographer and adventurer.  She and her husband sold their house in L.A. and are moving to Texas but before they do they are on the road traveling with their trailer and 4 kids and are really going taking this time to focus on family.  Joy's words are inspiring because she is really trying to prioritize in life and to determine daily what her priorities are.  This is the journey that I've been on specifically these last 6 months since having Elodie and trying to find my new place and identity as it as shifted more from working Mom to full-time Mom and wife and away from the career focus that I had and towards serving my family and husband each day.  The last six months have been a trying time for our family although they have reaped enormous blessings too; living with question marks in my life is not something I do well.  While I yearn for the unplanned and spontaneous and while I hope that I am not too rigid, I am a planner at heart.  When I had Elodie, things seemed to shift and I really felt that God was calling me to serve my family more, to spend more time home with my kids.  While this was also a desire of my heart too, it was a leap of faith giving up my job and asking God to provide a way for our family.  There have been changes for all of us not just going from a family of 3-4 but less time for the dogs to get hiked, another child to share the attention with and another person that needs and demands my attention.  And of course, there are all the things that existed before this new little life.

As the title states, a jumble of words (hence this rambling posting), thoughts and emotions.  I've been feeling everything lately.  Anger (and consequently how to exercise patience) at learning how to deal with my challenging 3 year old.  Fear (at knowing what the future holds for our family in terms of jobs, life, etc).  Overwhelming love (when I look at the beautiful faces of my children, when they sleep in my arms and take deep breaths or when they listen intently at a story or smile at my silliness).  Joy (when I see the sunshine and know that I will get to spend time outside with my family instead of always working).  I am thankful that I don't feel regret or bitterness or sadness.  I am just trying to figure out the best way I can be a Mama to my little ones and wife to my husband and to also make sure to feed myself and the things that matter in our life.  It has been a good start to hopefully a long journey of introspection and prioritization.  I am still processing a lot and can't eloquently put into words everything I am thinking.  At the end of the day, its a busy life and I just try to let myself relax.

Right now I can hear the hum of the swing rocking my 6 month old to sleep and her deep baby breaths going in and out.  I can hear the sweet snore of my older dog Eleanor as she sleeps off the sunny day curled next to Ethel having a doggy dream.  And I can hear the whimpering and snoring of my 3 year old who took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the afternoon and can't fall asleep.  Yes, it is a long and busy day and I'm on call all night long.

God is good;  all the time.  All the time; God is good.

He has taken care of us each and every day since we were married 14 years ago; and he always will and for that I am thankful.

For the blessings that I am given each and every day I am thankful.

And for my family and the love they give me; I am thankful.

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