who was I before?

A new friend I just started spending some time with was asking me what my hobbies are/were and wanted to know who I was before kids.  Now, although a huge part of my identity, and certainly time, is consumed and shaped by having kids and being a Mom, I think I was someone before all that too.  Right now, it is a little hard to remember.  My hours seem to be quickly filled with cooking, cleaning, washing and folding laundry, picking up toys and picking them up again.  Basically, repeat.  I try to find "beauty" in the ordinary and the everyday and look for ways to enjoy even the "chores" and responsibilities that I have.  I try to spend time sitting with my kids being silly, playing with them, teaching them and loving them but there are always the other things of life to do too.

So, back to the original question.  You know how once you do something or have something, it is hard to imagine life without it?  That is certainly true for me when it comes to using buttermilk or fresh lemons to bake, and that is most definitely how it is when it comes to having kids.  I know I was someone before, that I felt busy and had many things to occupy my time but now it is easy to forget and I wonder why I wasn't more productive, purposeful or useful with all my "free" time before kids.  Then I think of other moms who have 4 and 6 kids and I honestly don't know how they do it!  Sure, you can get a lot done when kids are at school or sleeping but a lot of times we have to go to work too and sometimes we need to sleep also.

I guess I always liked to bake but now that I find myself in for the evening most nights by 8:30 I like to do some late night baking.  I have always loved to take pictures but my subject matter and my mediums have changed.  I started with film and then digital, blogging, camera phone and now Instagram.  I started with still life and friends, scenery and travel and architecture and I moved to my dogs and nature and now mostly my kids.  I have always liked to try cooking and doing new things in the kitchen but I am less intimidated now, my spices cabinet is more diversified and I try to find beauty in the task of cooking each and every day while still trying to nourish my family with good food.  I have always loved nature and the outdoors which was fostered in me at a young age.  I grew up on 18 acres with plenty of room to roam, explore, climb trees, hang out and garden with my Dad, play in a sandbox or roam through the meadow or play in our creek or playhouse nestled in the trees.  We spent summer vacations backpacking and camping and spending long days outside.  Now I spend time raking rainbow colored leaves from my front yard, taking my dogs on walks in the woods and sitting in the sunshine with my kids while they play in the yard giggling and playing on blankets and swings.  I always liked crafty things although I've never been too artistic in terms of drawing, molding, painting, etc.  It began years ago with my wedding album and Valentine making parties with dear friends over wine and now I decorate baby books and travel albums.  I have always loved to travel and see new things.  This was taught to me at a young age.  I even got to travel to Africa as a young girl and lived in Spain for a few months with my husband.  Now I travel the 1-5 corridor to visit my family from Portland down to So. Oregon.  Now I travel the downtown city blocks several times a week walking my kids to school while I go to work.  We try to take our kids to new places and help them experience and navigate the world around them as much as we can and we long to take them on bigger adventures as they grow bigger and older and their curiosity grows.  I've loved music my whole life and played different instruments growing up.  Now my piano sadly gathers too much dust as I compete to play it with my spirited toddler and my radio often blares kids music and silly songs about pickles and pretzels.  But I also get to share music with my kids and have after dinner dance parties with babies on my hip and hands enclosed in mine while we twirl and boogie and shake.

So, who was I before.  I was a lot of things, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee and adventurer, a nature lover, a dog lover, a photographer, a baker, etc.  Now I am all these but I balance them (or try to) with the other daily responsibilities and joys that are my life as a wife, daughter, sister, friend, employee, adventurer, creator, nature lover, baker, dog lover, and MOM.  As far as I am concerned, it makes me a richer person and makes me feel all the things that I am just a little bit deeper. Being a Mom has allowed me to feel and experience the things in my life on a whole new level.  I am challenged daily to my core.  The core of who I am, how much patience I have, what I believe, what I think I know and what I question.  I am pushed to my line often and sometimes fall over.  I fail and I pick myself up.  I dream and cry and love and want and desire and hope and yearn and hate and embrace all that I'm living.

So, who was I before.  Honestly, I can't remember.  I am who I am now.  That's enough for me.  I'm being redeemed by my Maker daily and I am held in his love and mercy.  I don't cling to the past to return to it or reclaim it.  I rejoice in who I have been allowed to be and I hope for who I'll become.  And with grace and mercy and a little luck, I think it will be just a little bit better then I am today.

a jumble of words, thoughts, emotions and the like

Lately being a parent has grown exponentially harder.  My infant is starting to roll around, want to be held to standing and take shorter and fewer naps during the day and require more interaction and my toddler has required a level of interaction management that can leave me truly mentally exhausted by the end of the day.  Don't get me wrong, it is the most amazing job in the world to parent these two beautiful spirited girls and to watch them growing together as sisters and siblings;  and it is wonderful to watch my husband as he forms a bond with Elodie and as Aven idolizes and adores her Daddy.

We've just been trying to enjoy the small things in life since the days are so busy with all kinds of moments.  The other day I just laid on a blanket in the grass with my girls staring up at the blue afternoon sky and enjoying the sunshine.  Sure, I had piles of laundry and bills to pay, I'm sure there were a few spiders staking their claim somewhere in my house or a dog pooping in my yard but I decide to have a "stop and smell the roses" kind of moment and just spend time being with my kiddos.  When Abe got home we both laid on the blanket giggling and talking with Aven and smiling at Elodie. We gave the girls airplanes and stared up at the puffy white clouds as they drifted dreamily through the late afternoon sky overhead.  Two days ago I had some sick kiddos and a pretty sick Mama but I spent some time in the afternoon making a homemade quiche and skillet potatoes while the girls laid on the floor on Elodie's activity mat and interacted and entertained each other.  Taking time even if it is only a few minutes to really engage with my kiddos or to do something I like can really rejuvenate me and help me to realize that the sacrifices we give up at the end of the day are worth it.

Lately I've been inspired by this person, a mom, photographer and adventurer.  She and her husband sold their house in L.A. and are moving to Texas but before they do they are on the road traveling with their trailer and 4 kids and are really going taking this time to focus on family.  Joy's words are inspiring because she is really trying to prioritize in life and to determine daily what her priorities are.  This is the journey that I've been on specifically these last 6 months since having Elodie and trying to find my new place and identity as it as shifted more from working Mom to full-time Mom and wife and away from the career focus that I had and towards serving my family and husband each day.  The last six months have been a trying time for our family although they have reaped enormous blessings too; living with question marks in my life is not something I do well.  While I yearn for the unplanned and spontaneous and while I hope that I am not too rigid, I am a planner at heart.  When I had Elodie, things seemed to shift and I really felt that God was calling me to serve my family more, to spend more time home with my kids.  While this was also a desire of my heart too, it was a leap of faith giving up my job and asking God to provide a way for our family.  There have been changes for all of us not just going from a family of 3-4 but less time for the dogs to get hiked, another child to share the attention with and another person that needs and demands my attention.  And of course, there are all the things that existed before this new little life.

As the title states, a jumble of words (hence this rambling posting), thoughts and emotions.  I've been feeling everything lately.  Anger (and consequently how to exercise patience) at learning how to deal with my challenging 3 year old.  Fear (at knowing what the future holds for our family in terms of jobs, life, etc).  Overwhelming love (when I look at the beautiful faces of my children, when they sleep in my arms and take deep breaths or when they listen intently at a story or smile at my silliness).  Joy (when I see the sunshine and know that I will get to spend time outside with my family instead of always working).  I am thankful that I don't feel regret or bitterness or sadness.  I am just trying to figure out the best way I can be a Mama to my little ones and wife to my husband and to also make sure to feed myself and the things that matter in our life.  It has been a good start to hopefully a long journey of introspection and prioritization.  I am still processing a lot and can't eloquently put into words everything I am thinking.  At the end of the day, its a busy life and I just try to let myself relax.

Right now I can hear the hum of the swing rocking my 6 month old to sleep and her deep baby breaths going in and out.  I can hear the sweet snore of my older dog Eleanor as she sleeps off the sunny day curled next to Ethel having a doggy dream.  And I can hear the whimpering and snoring of my 3 year old who took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the afternoon and can't fall asleep.  Yes, it is a long and busy day and I'm on call all night long.

God is good;  all the time.  All the time; God is good.

He has taken care of us each and every day since we were married 14 years ago; and he always will and for that I am thankful.

For the blessings that I am given each and every day I am thankful.

And for my family and the love they give me; I am thankful.

the "simple" life

In general I hear this phrase, I read it on blogs and in magazine articles and hear it mentioned over wine and cheese at dinner parties.  When I reflect on this phrase though it conjures up a bunch of unrealistic imagery of life and what we think it could look like.

For example, we think- wouldn't it be nice to "return" to a simpler way of life where we made our own bread, grew our own food, knew the farmers we got our produce from and knew how the animals were treated when we purchased our meat.  We think wouldn't it be nice to make our own curtains, clothes and homemade pie crusts.  Wouldn't it be nice to live in a smaller house, get rid of clutter and focus on the big things and not get bogged down with life.

But the fact is, it is nearly impossible to do this when you live in a modern society.

Reality hits us and we realize: we have to work all day and don't have time to sew our own curtains nor does it save any money or make anything "simple" when you have to make them yourself.  Going to the farmers market is a treat and a fun outing but it is simply more expensive and cannot always accomplish all of your shopping goals, therefore adding one more thing to your list of "to dos."

I recently read a short article by Dylan Tomine titled "The Simple Life" in the most recent Patagonia Catalogue (of all places).  I absolutely loved this article because he talks about how he and his wife were going to move to Central America and home school their kids, using the outdoors as a backdrop.  What happened instead though was that he and his wife ended up buying a blueberry farm in Washington.  At first everything seemed idyllic and beautiful, the blueberries were in full season, the weather was beautiful and people were there picking fruit daily.  Their kids handed out baskets and showed people how to pick the warm sun-kissed berries.  Then (to quote Tomine) "the season ended and the real work started.....the learning curve seems to steep most of the time and our day to day has turned into a crazed juggling act...turns out the simple life is pretty damn complicated."

Finally, someone said it!  At the end of the day, farm life, simpler times and a way of life that should be stripped down when all is said and done is complicated!  But he does bring a tear to my eye when he mentions why he and his wife chose to do what they are doing: "we'll have frost by morning...winter is coming... from the upper field I can hear Skyla and Weston laughing as they ride the empty wagon down the compost pile for another load.  I shiver and pull my collar up, knowing: this is our big adventure.  Right here at home."

And these words echo warmly in my heart when I think of my last post.  We try to do our best each and every day.  Sometimes we succeed.  Sometimes we fail.  Sometimes we just try to make the most of a moment because life is busy, complicated and hard.  We try to take that moment of laughter, that moment of echoed joy in a field, the moment a warm blueberry hits your lips and drizzles down your lips, the moment we realize we cannot prepare for life but we must live it; simple or not- this is life and we must embrace all that we can so that we don't miss anything!  There is no simple life as far as I'm concerned but the message is simple to me: love God, love others and capture every moment that allows us to truly do just that.

[Dylan Tomine's new book: Closer to the Ground 

about learning to share his love of naure with his children- available through patagonia.com/books]

family warms the *heart*

A short piano session with Daddy, sans pants :)

Lately I have just been trying to enjoy all the little moments that are strung together that make up life.  Often times it isn't the big picture moments because we place a lot of pressure and hype on them (like a first birthday or crawling for the first time, first steps, family photo shoot or first bath/first taste of food).  I find it is all the little sneak moments that you don't plan for that can warm your heart and make you laugh at the end of a long day.  I have to say that right now having Aven is so fun!  She is at such a great age and it is really entertaining.  She is so verbal and able to explain herself in words and actions that it just makes life fun.  The following are some pictures from the past months but I think they show the range that this child is capable of.  One moment she is silly and dancing with the dogs.  The next she is helping make food (in her underwear no less).  Then she is running around the house in nothing but her rain boots....and she's carefully playing the piano alongside Daddy with nothing at all!  Sometimes she is so contemplative when she is trying to problem solve or figure something out, she gets this cute little pouty face and concentrated brow....I love it!

Aven discovered she can crawl into the console and then close the door.  For some reason she thinks it is absolutely hilarious!

A very cute drawing Abe made of Aven's name that she kept coming back to add to.  I love to watch as her hands learn how to hold crayons and pens and how she is learning to hold her writing utensil.  She even gets the concept of writing her name (although she doesn't know any letters yet).  She'll say, "I need to write your name Mommy." Or she'll draw a line and say "look at my rainbow."

Aven is such a caretaker.  She loves to take care of her dollies, her stuffed animals, the dogs and even us.  Often times she'll snuggle with us in bed on a lazy morning and she'll wrap us up in blankets, pat us, tell us to close our eyes and go to sleep.  She will be a good big sister.  Here she is giving her red teddy bear a ride.

If a few words could describe this kiddo they are: independent & opinionated.  She is really my child.  She always has an opinion about what she wants to wear and what she wants to do.  Aven is very good at getting herself ready in the morning.  She is able to do socks, pants, underwear and shoes.  She is also doing a pretty good job of mastering potty training these last few weeks.  She has had very few accidents these last two weeks  and she seems pretty internally motivated to do it as well (no bribery).  She still needs help with shirts or sweatshirts and sometimes tricky shoes.  She is very cute because if we are outside and she is in, she'll run to the deck, see that we're outside, run inside, put her shoes on and come out and join us....all without us asking.

What can I say, the girl loves to take care of her dollies.  She wraps them up in her blankets and takes them everywhere.

Sweet uninhibited spirit of a child- dancing the afternoon away with an audience of one: Ethel.

In brief, Aven is growing up to be quite the little girl.  She is almost 2 1/2 (next month) and she is learning so much every day about how to be herself.  She goes to the Y ("school") three days a week and to a friend's house one day a week to play with their kids.  Abe is back to having Aven one day a week and they seem to be getting along well so far.  Aven loves to go to school and has her favorite friends: Evan & Riyer.  They are doing an excellent job of teaching the kids songs, letters, colors, reading books, learning about sharing and being responsible, etc.  I am glad that she has this outlet of time to play and interact with her peers.  She loves going to our friend's out (the Bandstras) because she gets to see her friends: Isla & Noah.  She looks up to them and loves to play with them (but she has no problem telling them what she does and doesn't like).  On the weekends we have gotten to spend more time together and I think it is good for her spirit.

A few weeks ago we went on a solo camping trip.  It was our first camping trip as a family just the three of us.  It was challenging sleeping in a tent together and she never did take a nap in the afternoon in the tent....just didn't work.  But Aven did a nice job of being careful around the fire, hanging out with Mom & Dad and just spending time together.  Of course there are many moments that are filled with chaos and interruptions and teaching our child about manners (please say "excuse me" and then wait if you need to say something).....(don't scream in the tent so loud, there are other people here), etc.  But the moments seem mostly filled with hugs and stories and laughter and giggles and sweet conversations and little pockets of things I will hold dear as my little one grows bigger every day.

the fading of summer

Why is it every year that I have so many ideas and plans and ambitions and they rarely come to fruition?  I don't consider myself a lazy person perhaps just too busy.  This summer, like many in the past, I wanted to camp at least once a month, work on my yard and start a vegetable garden (again), plant more plants and flowers, smooth out the rough spots of lawn, make recipes from scratch, have more friends over, go to the park more, walk and hike more, more more more.  But, alas it is towards the end of August and I have only camped once, worked on a few plant beds and yard projects, made almost nothing from scratch and spent many more days and hours working and busy then I planned.  Life has a way of getting away from us even if we are intentional.  This summer brought a promotion at my job from assistant manager to manager; this has changed my schedule from working 4 days to working 5.  I really miss that extra day to get my errands and chores done although I don't work as many late days which is better for my family.  Instead of lots of walks and productive evenings I often spend the hours after my daughter is curled up in bed doing laundry, balancing the checkbook, reading email, cleaning the kitchen, etc.  And at the beginning of summer I was in my 1st trimester of baby pregnancy #2 so I didn't feel like doing much after the baby was down and the dishes were cleared.  I was relaying all of this to a customer at work when they asked about summer.  I did realize though that I've had a lot of moments and little pockets of time to relax and spend time with my family.  It is nice because we have kept up with mowing the lawn, have a tiny little kiddie pool in the back yard and have often spend hours in the evening sitting and visiting or the pre-dinner hours reading books and watching Aven play in her pool.  While it doesn't equate to anything terribly exciting, it is nice to break up the business of the day with these moments.

So, what do I plan for next year?  I guess part of the plan is about money (do you have enough to do the projects you want or hire people to help now that you have a toddler running around to keep track of?), part of it is about having a concrete plan to begin with and part of it is sticking to the plan.  I don't know what next year will look like.  By then I'll have a 3+ year old and a 6 month old baby to keep track.  I will have returned to work but in what capacity and schedule I don't know and who knows how busy Abe will be with work and his business or what kinds of projects we'll want to do on the house.

So, I think now that the darkness is creeping in earlier in the evening hours and the temperature is a bit cooler in the mornings and evenings already I begin to think about summer fading away quickly and the beginning of fall; I begin to think of next summer and what I want to accomplish that I didn't accomplish this year.  Oh fresh berries, barbeques and trips to the lake; hikes and warm summer evenings sitting in the back yard....

simple Sunday

Here we are, latter July and I am sitting in my new (to me/Craigslist) armchair listening to the somewhat enchanting & somewhat maddening sound of gentle and steady rain falling outside.  This summer has been a bit back and forth.  Some days feel wonderful and I sit in my backyard on lunch breaks and early evening eating fruit and hanging out by the kiddie pool.  Other days we sit inside and wonder why it is grey outside again and raining.  I long for a true summer.  One where you can leave all your stuff outside on the lawn and the steps and not worry about it getting wet overnight.  A summer where you don't have to have a sweatshirt or rain coat on hand and you can truly pack it away for a few months.  One where you get the box of summer clothes out and put away pants and close toed shoes and dry grass and windows open while you sleep.

But alas, that was not today and is not tonight.  It was a lovely day today besides the weather.  Woke up a bit too early for my taste (6:45) to a somewhat hysterical 2 year old crying.  As I gathered my bearings and went to her room we discovered it was only a missing purple Binky, heavens!  Then came the request to snuggle with Daddy...which truly only means getting into bed with us but not really sleeping or even really snuggling.  After about 20 minutes of trying to sleep while she wriggled and snuggled I left Abe to sleep a bit more and make some breakfast before church.  Aven and I made "baby cake cakes" aka Dutch Baby Pancakes with fresh strawberries and coffee.  We listened to some good 80's dance music and headed off to church while Abe helped our new neighbors rebuild their living room floor (they are in way over their heads).  I helped out with the toddlers while they played listened to Bible stories and ate fishy crackers.  I met a lovely little boy who needed some extra hugs named Kavin.  It was very sweet because as I was holding him, Aven kept patting his shoulders and saying "it's okay buddy" and then going around to his other shoulder and patting it and saying the same thing.

After church we made our way to a friend's birthday party at Lake Padden.  The rain had let up long enough and a bit of sun and blue sky was overhead.  Aven looked at the ducks, claimed she saw a turtle, went down the slide, got an owie, ate a cupcake and went on the swings.  We enjoyed the grassy expanse and the laughter of friends and a break from the grey.

After this Aven went down for a nap and I finished my book club book (hooray).  It has been way too long since I actually finished a book and it had been my pick so I felt especially responsible.  I went to Fred Meyer alone to get some groceries (lovely) and spent a bit of extra time browsing through the sale items, without a toddler in tow.  Came home and made a bit pot of Tortilla Soup for book club and then went over to dine and discuss The Hangman's Daughter.  Considering it was a group of adults, my toddler did quite well but when she started to get a bit crazy Abe took her home and I stayed to enjoy a bit more adult conversation.  My friend made an amazing cheesecake with fresh blueberries and a pot-de-creme, delicious!  We selected our next book: On the Corner of Bitter & Sweet and parted ways in the damp summer evening.

It was a day of relaxation, family, community, food and cooking.  All in all it was a great Sunday.  Sometimes the simple days and moments of life go by quickly and unnoticed or unremembered but it is these moments that make our lives feel fuller and richer.  A moment sitting with your child eating a cupcake, a sweet and totally unrestrained act of care from a child, an amazing dish or pot of soup, the laughter of friends.  Relish these moments, survey them in your memory, capture them in photographs and hang on to their beauty.

I am thankful daily for all the blessings I am so undeserving of but yet have received anyway.  These moments are a blessing and I am so grateful.

funny things you hear from the mouth of a 2 year old

Aven has been a combination of a handful and a bellyful of laughter lately.  She will absolutely drive you crazy, be so into what she is doing and not listen at all and then she'll say something so funny it will double you over.  So, if you lived with me, these are some of the things you'd hear on a somewhat routine basis:

• "I can't try" (meaning, I can't do it)
• " I don't like to wear my socks today Mommy."
• " I wanna read it...a, b, c, d, e,f, g, e-i-n-g-o, e-i-n-g-o, oh what a raindrop will be."
• "Eleanor want to eat it Mommy" (when she drops food on the floor).

Of course I had this perfect list figured out in my head days ago but by the time I got to a computer and actually sat down...poof!  I'm feeling a bit under the weather today and it certainly doesn't help that the weather is so stinky too!  Haven't had a summer cold in years and it really sucks.  Sniffly all day at work, coughing and scratchy voiced at the end.  Workout tomorrow?  Most likely.

Will post more when I feel a bit more put together and I can think more clearly than through this cloudy cold filled head.

out of touch

A SUPER brief summary of the last few months.  I have obviously fallen way behind in the blogging world and it is not for a lack of events in my life.

April:

• Travelled to California and visited family- took a much needed vacation and sun break
• Aven's 2nd Birthday (April 21st) someday I'll actually get a post up about my darling girl's second birthday, it was an absolutely beautiful day and we had a wonderful BBQ with a small group of friends to celebrate, Aven loved being the center of attention
• Ahmah (Abe's Mom) came to visit and have some special time with Aven before she went off gallivanting around Europe with her hubbie
• My boss left the company and left a huge gaping opportunity- who would be the new manager?

May:

• Made the decision to apply for the manager position at my branch
• Grandma and Grandpa Bill came for a visit from Oregon and helped us start building our tool shed out back while they camped in our parking space :)
• Attended a lovely book club get together
• Went to a baby shower for a good friend and enjoyed a lovely girls night in
• We had someone work on the garage doing prep work for painting it this summer (whenever that happens)
• Attended an awesome Pentecost Sunday service at the local Mt. Baker Theater with 8 other local churches, it was a great message and a wonderful opportunity to celebrate with believers of all denominations- truly a celebration of the family of God

June (so far):

• Drove to Oregon to help celebrate my mother in law's 60th birthday and my step-Dad's 70th birthday with back to back surprise parties and get-togethers
• Abe continued working on the tool shed out back, changing the original design and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes in the evening sun
• Let my grass grow way to long!  Still needs to be cut- I had been keeping up on this so well until the last 3 weeks.
• Celebrated our 13th Anniversary (June 12th)
• Officially started my new job and schedule as manager of my branch
• Will host a visit from my Dad (Grandad) to Aven
• Endured more days of rain and more rain, when will summer be here?

An afternoon treat with Daddy

One of Aven's favorite toys, her Baby that she got on her birthday, she will carry this thing all around and take care of it wrapping it up in her little hoody towel saying "baby okay, " "my baby is okay."  It is way too cute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you can see the days turn to weeks and the weeks to months and before you know it the year is half over!  The dogs look forward to sunny days and spend their time lounging outside in the pockets of sunshine.  We look forward to dry grass and more walks in the afternoons and evenings and more days of BBQ meals and sitting in our new lawn chairs drinking iced tea.  The summer weekends already seem to be filling up with trips and weddings and projects and such and before you know it we'll be back to rain the like.  At some point when things get a bit quieter (yeah right) I'll provide some more details about all of the above!

twas the day in the life (continued)

Twas the middle of the week when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, lest the noisy furnace
The laundry was done and the grocery shopping too
In hopes that there wouldn't be something else forgotten too.


The child was tucked all snug in her bed
While visions of afternoon playtime danced in her head
An mamma in her sweatshirt and slippers all warm
Had just settled down for a mid-afternoon cup of coffee.


When out of the dog bed there rose a bark and howl
I put down my coffee to see what was the matter
Shushing the doggies and holding my breath,
I looked out the back door to see if the bark was warranted!


The sunshine was fading in winter afternoon style
and shadows fell on the quickly spring beckoned lawn
when what to my wondering eyes should I see
but the clock had flown fast and it was already three!


With a dutiful list and heart so full of love
I knew in a moment I must cross off something quick!
With clever brainstorming and prioritizing too
I crossed and I scribbled and I figured what to do.


Darnit and curse it and how could I dare
on over committing and under performing and pleasing all around
to the couch I say, to the coffee cup too,
now dash away guilt and fears and what to do's!


So as the day drags onward and I think of my list
I met with my obstacle and shook my firm fist
so with regret and with board books in tow
I stacked them up, swept the floors and knew I should go


To dog walks and food deliveries and dusting and dinner
with checkbooks and bills and vacation plans too
to drop offs and pick ups and exercising and play
to think of it all I might run away


so I sit down and sip up and breathe a breath in
and cross my feet and let the light in
and thankfully ponder the day and the wonder
and brood on my list which I have left in the room yonder.


(inspired by Clement Clarke Moore's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas")

family sundays

In the last month we've had some relaxing family days, namely Sundays.  Two weekends ago we went on a little tool buying adventure to Port Hadlock (near Port Townsend, Wa).  We decided to make a day of it.  We packed up the doggies, the baby and ourselves in our little Forester, bought some big cups of coffee and bagels and hit the road.  We crossed the water on the Ferry (Aven loved looking out at the water, the boats, the clouds and the birds) and then drove down the island to Port Hadlock.  It was a rare February day in that it was about 55 degrees and wonderfully sunny.  The tool was housed at some property outside of town.  While Abe laboured over moving the huge and very heavy tool, Aven and the dogs and I walked around and explored the property.  It was a lovely spot of land with a huge garden, garden guest house, gigantic shop with guest loft, pond, beautiful house with a deck outside facing the sun and grassy paths that led to all of their neighbors.  Aven loved running around and exploring and running after the doggies.  She played in some leftover fall leaves and really got a taste of running around outside.

After this adventure we headed back up to Port Townsend for some snacks and shopping.  We ducked in a few little restaurants and settled on one: the Courtyard Cafe.  It was a little unassuming Victorian house off a side street and had the perfect Sunday ambiance.  I ran inside to check the menu while Daddy, Aven and doggies held down the fort in the car.  It had some sunny seats by the window, live musicians playing flutes and fiddles and calming folk guitar music and huge cinnamon pull-aparts and amazing scones grabbed my eye in the front glass case.  It was the kind of place that makes you happy that you live in the NorthWest.  Unassuming meals at reasonable prices with a lovely and not stuffy atmosphere.  Young and old mixing it up and interacting together and delicious comfort food.

After an early morning and a long day, we dozed a bit in the car on the ferry ride back while we kept our child entertained with Annie's Cheddar Bunnies.

A few weeks before the above named adventure, we went to one of our favorite splurges, Tweets cafe in Edison, WA.  It is admittedly a bit overpriced but is worth the wonderful atmosphere, amazing little treats and fun small town feeling.  In Edison, everyone is friendly.  It is really a tiny little close knit community where everyone cannot help but know everyone else because, well, it is only about 15 businesses long!  The little "downtown" strip has a wonderful store (mentioned before) called the Lucky Dumpster with fun vintage finds and plenty of creative and locally made treasures like animals made from reclaimed sweaters, felt crowns for kids and industrial metal words with new reclaimed wood tops.  You can wander from here to the woodworking gallery of Smith & Vallee and see wonderful local artists from sculptures and paintings to woodwork and metalwork.  It is housed in a lovely old wooden building with old planked wood floors, open beam ceilings and bright white paint on the walls.  Down the street is a truly unique shop that has everything from awesome handmade jewelry to a Walrus head (I am not sure why, but it is there to see).  Then there is Slough Food (a wine, cheese and food shop), Farm to Market bakery, Tweets, Breadfarm bakery and a few other local haunts like the local bar.

Tweets has the kind of ambiance the old coffee shops in Seattle once had and places like Anthropologie aspire to, only naturally.  The outside has a handful of fresh herbs and plants for sale.  The little wooden tables, chairs and stools inside are missing an appropriate amount of paint to see quaint and are pleasantly mismatched and the uneven wood planked floor seems homey and warm.  But the food is delicious and spitefully a bit too good for its own taste.  Their pastries always boast the amazing citrus infused whipped mascarpone cheese and the other delectables are beyond measure.  A decent cup of coffee will accompany anything you order while you sit among locals and enjoy the rain coming down the windows.  On a sunny day you might sit by the roll up door on rickety iron tables and chairs and see the folks walk by and smile or wave.  But you'll never be disappointed by the treats at Tweets (just maybe the dent it takes out of your wallet).

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I am just trying to enjoy the small and quiet moments of life.  These lazy Sundays are no exception.  There were certainly piles of laundry at home, dishes to wash and put away, bills to pay, recycling to take out and groceries to buy- but there was also a decent time to be had enjoying the company of my family and the simplicity of a beautiful rainy or sunny afternoon.

trying something new

It is a new year so I have tried to have a positive and outgoing outlook on life for not just the new year but hopefully a bit of a new me.  I started with some simple things like a new blog post and a fresh look at my closet (cleaning things out even though I might be emotionally attached to them).  Some things worked: got rid of several bags of stuff I didn't wear, need or use and some things didn't: didn't like the new blog template at all!  And some things have yet to happen: going through my books & CD's.  This is a daunting yet super necessary task.  And other things are still up in the air waiting to be decided: where to go, what to do with life, work, kids, etc....you know the little details of life.

You may notice that this is a theme with me this year and that you may notice a certain uncertainty in my writing and my commitment to the future.  It seems that a variety of circumstances have brought me to this point and now I just have to combine my courage and my faith, my wit and good sense and a whole lot of other un-namable stuff together to make a concrete decision.

In life, it seems like trying something new can often have as many successes as failures and maybe that is why after so many new starts or attempts at new things, sometimes we often lose the will to try these new things however great or small.  For instance, I sometimes buy clothes that seem to be not really "me" but then I think, why aren't they me?  I can choose something new!  And sometimes it works....and other times the shirt or pair of pants or new dress gets worn once and then sits in its place awaiting another shot....but it is just not me.....so it waits and waits and finally makes a trip to be either returned or to the consignment shop.  So the next time I am tempted I may remember my failure to turn over a new leaf (or embrace a new fashion) or I may be willing to fail at this new attempt of style.  Whatever the reaction, it can definately make an impression or begin a pattern for the future.  Perhaps that is why as you get older (and believe you me I am not making that argument yet) it is harder to try new things.  We've fallen, failed or just plain been embarassed by these leaps of faith.

As part of my new year, I am trying to get over myself, and that isn't easy to do.  I am trying to let go of the failures of the past and especially the failures that I am picturing may happen in the future and combine the excitement of what can be with the faith that it can be good.

So, if you think of me, think (and pray please, if you do) that God would give me the strength to have faith and to push forward and be willing to try something new, even if I fail.  To balance practicality with love and adventure and a willingness to try new things whether super small (like a new recipe) or super big: a move and a new place to live.

Aven, trying something new (pizza counts)

These are my thoughts; my thoughts on a page- a place to mentally ramble, blow off steam or generally brag about my amazingly blessed life.  Thanks for listening.

facing the new year

I know I say this every year but it is hard to believe the holidays have already come and gone.  This week we were graced with a beautiful snowfall and I have to keep reminding myself that Christmas has already passed!  With that the excitement, the travel, the cooking and baking and the ending of one year and the beginning of another have already happened.

For us it was a trip to Oregon to see family, time spent catching up with family and of course baking and eating.  It was Aven's second Christmas but the first one she could truly participate in which was fun.  Abe and I escaped to California for a night away from dogs and first time we were both away from Aven overnight (thank you Grandma's).   With this relaxation brought the craziness and the hecticness of a new year.

For me this year I feel the need to purge my things.  I have already gone through my closet twice and gotten rid of two bags of clothes and a bag of kids clothes too.  We have taken a few tools and small pieces of furniture to the reStore and I've already thought about how this year could look different.

Another year has begun and with it so many questions.  What will this next year bring?  Will I finally return to school, being a Master's Program?  Will we move away, finally remodel the kitchen and bath?  You know, just those minor questions that plague you daily.

I have also attempted to make a conscientious effort to slow down and enjoy the moments.  With a toddler and life at high speed, it is easy to miss the little moments that make life enjoyable.  It is easy to get caught up in the shopping, bill-paying, chore and errand running and forget to sit down on the ground and play wood-cutting fruit with your daughter or indulge in one more story or sit on the bench in the kitchen and share a bowl of yogurt or a banana together.  These moments are simple and in many ways ordinary but they are also the things that can bring you joy and help you to slow down and enjoy the intricacies of life.  A good friend (who is also the mom of twins) told me that she sometimes lets things go so that she can spend time with her kids.  This advice has left an impression on me.  She said, I am never going to look back at this time and think "gee, I wish I would have done more laundry or vacuumed more, but I might look back and wish I spent more time with my kids."  I try to focus on this thought when it is my day off and I am looking at a daunting list of chores.  Should I just give in and sit on the floor and scribble crayons with my daughter; should I spend some extra time making a meal for my family and sitting with my husband in his shop as he assembles cabinets or should I join the rat race and cram as much into a day, hour or minute that I can?

Don't get me wrong.  I am the queen of multi-tasking at both work and home.  If I am doing something, I am usually doing another at the same time but sometimes I force myself to STOP and just do ONE thing....or nothing at all.  That is also refreshing.

On another note, those of you who know me know that I don't ever make New Year's resolutions.  Mainly because I feel that people make them to break them; however this year I am focusing on a few things this year.

• slow down and enjoy time with my family
• make more food, cook more and use my wonderful kitchen gadgets
• finish my book club books (I don't know why this is so hard!)

Just a few things to get myself going.  This is a bit rambly but I haven't written awhile and I suppose it is the way my brain is going right now too.  And, it wouldn't be a complete blog post without a few pics.

Pic of Abe in Eureka, CA on our way to Fort Bragg just outside of Lost Coast Brewery where we stopped in for lunch.

Ahmah Bates, Aven & Daddy before the long ride home to Bellingham

Aven playing with her Hanukkah gift from Ahmah- only trouble is she fed all of the little candle flames (made of felt) to the dogs, literally....oops!

Aven and Cousin Asha Rose on Christmas morning- very focused on opening their gifts.

Aven and Daddy getting up close and personal with Granddad's neighbor chickens!  Notice Abe's face.

I do sincerely hope your holidays were well and that you have started 2012 with a fresh look;  that something on your mind or heart is helping to make your life better.  Here's to it all!  Blessings.

months 17, 18 and (almost) 19

Wow, I cannot believe I am already losing track of how fast the months are flying by.  This week will make Aven 19 months and I still surprise myself when I say it.  My little smart girl is growing and changing so fast.  She is becoming quite the little girl and I love spending time with her and watching her learn and interact with the world and people around her.

17 Months

It is really fun that Aven is getting into doing paints, coloring and general art projects.  She doesn't always get how it is supposed to "work" or not to put supplies into her mouth (such as paint or crayons) but she definitely likes coloring and using her hands.

As usual, this little girl loves to read.  She grabs books all day long from the shelf and says "book?"  She seems to have a pretty discriminating eye for the good ones too.  She loves reading anything with animals especially and interesting pictures.  So far she knows the following animals and insects by sight: elephant, monkey, doggie, cat, fox, giraffe, parrot, frog, ladybug, horse, cow, pig, duck, goose, chick or chicken, bird, rabbit or bunny, mouse, bear, butterfly, sheep, bee, and fish.  She knows the sounds that many of them make too.  She can now climb into the rocking chair and we have a little kids rocker too that she sits in and reads her books or plays with her dollies.  She loves going to the library and looking at all of the books.  She is a good helper and will hand the librarian the card and help check out too.  I have to admit, I love picking out little kids books too, they are so colorful and fun.  There are some excellent books out there as well.  I often find myself gravitating towards some of the older authors like Eric Carle (The Hungry Caterpillar) or Margaret Wise Brown or Lois Lenski.  

18 months

Your favorite toys are books, balls and your dollies.  You are learning about how to use other toys and as always are creative with things that don't appear to be toys at all.  A few months ago you discovered that you could dump the Tupperware out of a box and put it upside down on the floor.  This would make a great little toy to scoot around on the floor while saying "beep, beep."  You are getting much better at your fine motor skills and using manipulatives.   Today you were able to put the cap back onto a highlighter, lining up the tip of the pen and the cap and you have been able to remove and replace a brush in Daddy's shop back onto the nail that you took it off of.  Yesterday you collected the crayons back in the box in an organized fashion.  

almost 19 months

Aven has shown an inconsistent interest in the potty.  She seems to be learning about her body and we try to gently encourage her without being forceful.  She has gone on the potty successfully about 3 times but here she is enjoying some more "reading time."  She likes her potty but sees it more as a toy.  We are trying to figure out how to make it "fun" or interesting without putting pressure on her.

My curious little girl.  You are growing in your personality each and every day.  You amaze me with how smart and charming and challenging and frustrating and sweet and kind and gentle and funny you are.  You love your doggies and are so loving to them.  You love your Mommy and Daddy and give big hugs, kisses and good snuggles.  You love to learn and try new things and do things yourself.  You love to read and ask questions and repeat and touch and run and climb and push and play.  Each day teaches me more about myself and about how to enjoy life and enjoy the many many blessings.  You are such a big part of that and I truly thank God for the gift of you in our lives and the blessing that you are to and for us.

I cannot believe it is about to be your second Thanksgiving and Christmas only weeks away!  You are getting so big and as always I cannot wait to see what is in store.

 

a day in the life {2}

When you are a Mama, or just a parent, every moment can be J A M P A C K E D with stuff to do!  Man, I thought life could be busy before kids but now I know it is busy when you have them.  Earlier I did a little stint of "a day in the life" and I often think about it when life gets crazy and even the most mundane and basic things take up your whole day or appear to since they are all you are trying to get done.

6:00am- alarm...then snooze...then 6:10 and 6:20 and 6:30- Daddy wakes and starts his day, Mama hits one last snooze
6:40- awake, I guess
6:42 wander downstairs, pour a bowl of total flakes into my fiestaware pottery and pour a heaping amount of milk over, sit at the table and eat between yawns
6:55, the baby wakes
6:57 go in and comfort/cuddle/snuggle the waking one
7:02- nurse her sleepy face
7:20- text my boss letting her know I'm running late!
7:22 let the doggies outside to go potty
7:25- my child squats down and has a concentrated face, she says "poop"
7:26- run to the bathroom, pull down her pants, attempt to rip off a diaper with sticky tabs, realize the pooping is over but put her on the potty anyway
7:28- 17 months of love staring me down while I dangle her over the potty
7:30- "all done"- run into the bedroom and wipe down child and reassemble her clothing
7:35- check text message- no response- call boss on phone
7:36, 37, 38 & 39- feed dogs- am getting ready in the bathroom when my child walks in with a funny face like she ate something yucky and wiping her tongue while saying "drink"- (she ate some of Eleanor's food)
7:40 put child in her bed with books and "o's" to hang out while I take my shower
8:00- get out of the shower and run and get dressed
8:05- run comb through hair, put in earrings and take child out of bed
8:07 pack things for upcoming weekend trip with Dad to Portland- books (check), onesies (check), pacifiers, blankets, pajamas, etc, etc (check, check)
8:20 drop child off at daycare while answering the phone from boss
8:29- arrive at Starbucks for meeting @ 8:30
8:30- sit down for the first time all morning and relax with a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll!
8:31- work meeting...at least I had coffee!

Sometimes I marvel at all the things that have to get done in a day and really how much I can cram in in such a short amount of time.  My lunch breaks are typically spent doing laundry, paying bills, unloading/loading the dishwasher, taking care of the doggies, checking the mail and oh yeah- eating lunch.  My evenings are just as busy with dinner prep, spending time with my hubbie and my daughter and cleaning up from the day....and then just as quickly, it all starts again...sigh.

my little domestic goddess

A busy little 17th month old can get into anything if given just a few minutes alone!  My cure?  Get her involved.  This last week Aven helped with the laundry and with making corn bread for dinner.  She actually helped stir the recipe and only dipped her fingers in once!  She loved climbing up on the stool and throwing he laundry in the washing machine.  She even carried a pile of dirty clothes from her room to the laundry room, climbed up the ladder while holding the clothes and dumped them in!  She likes to help and loves to be involved and learn new things.  We had fun, even if it was just doing some chores.

summer lovin'

Well, summer is officially over here in Bellingham, Washington.  This last two days has brought the rain and wind down hard.  We enjoyed an unusually warm September probably the warmest since I've been in Bellingham....didn't turn my heater on until about 2 weeks ago and even then had the windows open several evenings throughout the week.

I am ready for soups and Christmas (dare I say), cider, warm coffees, eggnog lattes, evening candles, snugly movies and books, baking, apple crisps, Thanksgiving and cooking a feast, fall leaves, crisp mornings and cooler evenings and crunchy weekend walks.

I am not ready for rain, lots of cloudy skies, muddy doggie feet, inside babies all the time, rain coats, less time outside, darkness at 4pm, driving for the holidays, winter heating bills, bundling up in too many layers, cold car in the morning, no gutters on the workshop, another summer gone by with not enough done.

Regardless the temperature, the season or the like/dislike- I am thankful for it all.  The rainy days remind me to be thankful when the sun shines through and the blue peeks out; the unexpected warmth on a lunch break reminds me that the winter weather will not always prevail and the muddy doggie paws reminds me that even though it creates more mess and laundry, we can always have fun if we are willing to get a little dirty.

Here's to winter, spring and summer, and all that this next season will bring.

Gosh, where has the time gone?

This (mostly) rainy (mostly) cloudy and overcast and (mostly) cool summer is slipping by and I have little to show for it so far.  Oh yes, I had many plans of camping with Abe and taking Aven a few times.  Going on tons of hikes with the doggies maybe even after work in the evenings while it was still light, getting a garden together for this fall or next spring and doing some major overhaul in the yard...just to name a few.  I had wanted to spend more time with friends, make more yummy recipes and finish my book club books, start running a bit and eat healthier.

Hmmm, where am I on this list?  It seems like it is going so fast and little has been accomplished.  I try not to be discouraged at what I haven't done and focus on what I have.  I have taken my dogs out most sunny days I am not working.  I have consistently mowed my lawn almost every week this summer.  I have thrown a baby shower and taken several meals to friends with new babies.  I have spent time with my Mom and Bill, with Abe's Mom and with several friends.  Life just gets away from us and all the business of life- the chores, the bills, and the kiddos all take precious time.  You have to learn to balance and juggle and prioritize all at once.  You make split second decisions about what is most important to do: spend time with my husband or clean the kitchen up after dinner....pick up poop in my yard or take the dogs out for a hike?  The few precious hours my child sleeps every day I have off are bombarded with these difficult decisions and yet even if things don't get done it is usually okay.  I just have to let the little things go and focus on the big picture.

All of this to say, life has been busy.  A few weeks ago Abe's Mom came up to visit us.  We had a great time and I know she loved hanging out with Aven.  She watched Aven for two days while Abe and I worked and she made dinner.  She was really trying to win that super Grandma award!  On the weekend, we took her to Port Townsend to do some shopping, browsing and general hanging out.  She seemed to really like it as there were many fun antique shops, clothing stores and knitting places.  We were a bit challenged on time and probably could have spent a whole other day shopping but such is life.    On Sunday I drove Ilene back to Seattle to meet up with her friends to go back to Oregon.  Aven did well but she spent a lot of time in the car being driven to and fro that weekend.

Aven is now 15 months.  She is walking everywhere and seems to really love her new found freedom.  She is experimenting more with certain "words" or sounds and is figuring out more and more how she can communicate with the world.  It is really cute.  She is understanding more things that we say daily and she is able to help pick up her toys a bit, put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket, ask for more, say she's all done and ask please when eating.  She likes her new pink shoes that finally fit her and she loves getting into the kitchen cupboards.  She is still getting in all 4 molars.  They already poked through on one side but the other prongs are now coming through.  She is a bit clingy to Mom especially when I take her to daycare.  This is a totally normal phase I know but breaks my heart a little every time.  She is perfectly happy and as soon as I set her down and begin to leave she drops her mouth wide open and inhales for a few seconds letting out a terrible cry, big 'ol tears followed by alternating screaming and crying.  I know she will be fine but it is difficult nonetheless.  She really loves the dogs and likes to interact with them when they will tolerate it.  She loves watching older kids play and when they like to interact with her.  She is really interested in her books and regularly asks me to take them off the shelf so she can read them to herself.  She continues to love music, pushing her tush back and forth to just about any music regardless of beat, rhythm or the like.  She continues to be a big eater and loves her fruit (berries especially but also pear, apple, etc), carbs and saltier things like cheese quesadillas and salmon burgers.  The other night at dinner she ate and entire salmon burger (none of it on the floor) in addition to many other fruits and snacks.  It was actually amazing!

Summer is creeping nearer a close and yet so many things unfinished.  I realize that this is a busy time in life and I don't want to look back and regret not spending more time with my family only to check things off a list.  Here's to getting a few more things accomplished while enjoying life at the same time.

walking and so much more

There is so much to blog about and I have a million posts on my mind about the newly renovated shop out back, what we've been up to, life, our 2nd trip taking Aven to the aquarium and good weather but I did want to say that she is finally walking!  It happened about two weeks ago when my Mom and her husband were in town.  We were camping with them for the night and while Abe and I were packing up our things to get ready to leave, my Mom just kept walking around the campground again and again and by the end Aven was walking on her own- taking more and more steps.  It is pretty much the cutest thing ever!  She is pretty good at getting to a standing positing from a squatting or sitting position and likes to carry things in both hands while she does.  Will post more soon.

sounds from the morning

On any given day my morning sounds like this:

alarm
turning on the gas stove to heat up water for coffee
coffee grinder
birds chirping and announcing the days light outside
hum of the fridge
restlessness of the dogs in their crates
opening of the back door to let them out
morning sounds of a baby waking up
turning on the shower head
closing the diaper pail
metal lids on the dog bins opening to get them food
8 excited feet running towards their food bowls
squeals as my daughter pulls apart her socks (a morning tradition)
typing on the computer (my husband checking his email)
yawning, sighing parents, frustrated grunts from the baby
whirring of the espresso machine-so lovely
Velcros of shoes
zipping of jackets and sweatshirts
trucks, cars and motorcycles whizzing by in the rush to work
slaps of little crawling hands along the floor
opening and closing of the refrigerator
hurriedly closing the door
locking of the key
starting of the engine
crunch of gravel underneath the wheels
hum of the engine driving us to work, errands, daycare and off to start the day

hope your morning is sounding good

what we've been up to lately

Well, there is so much to blog about I don't really know where to begin.  I feel like the time has flown by since Aven's first birthday and I am so behind on blog posts!  Well, here is a brief recap of what has been going on in life.

• Getting the shop ready!
• Abe has been working madly trying to get the shop completed so that he can move his business in- this has included having it completely insulated, drywalled, mudded and taped, installed lights, install all of the outlets, having it painted, finishing the electrical, moving in his tools, scouting out and getting a killer deal on siding, driving to pick up/load & unload the siding, scouting out HardiPlank shingles on Craigslist, picking up said shingles, moving shingles & other building supplies to the attic!  And this is all before/after work or on the weekends.  I do my best to help out when I can but it is challenging unless Aven is taking a nap or in bed (pics to come soon).
• Keeping up with a one year old- seems like a full time job.  
• With every stage there seems to be a pro and a con.  Pro: can feed herself, sit up by herself, entertain herself, etc.  Con: has an opinion about what she wants to feed herself, where and when she will sit, and what she does or doesn't want to do to entertain herself!  All kidding aside though she is at a really fun and challenging stage.  She has the mental capacity to know that she wants something specific but not the verbal skills to communicate it- I hope they come soon.
• Planning & Taking a vacation:
• Our trip to Moab, UT turned into going to Winthrop, WA.  This ended up being a good thing and we avoided 4 days driving in the car and over 2,000 miles at $4.00+ a gallon too. We will make it back there someday but for now it wasn't really practical.  Just got back this last weekend from 4 nights and 5 days of hiking/biking and relaxing in the sun (post to come soon & lots of pics).
• Reading:
• Really enjoying our book club of the month: Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon- book club this weekend- excited to discuss this mystery/suspense novel.
• Yard work:
• when we're not trying to get things done on the shop we are attempting to work on our yard which mainly refers to keeping the grass down and the weeds out (a super challenging thing right now- see having a 1 year old above).  We have many plans of what we want to do it is just a matter of time & money.
• Life & Work:
• In the leftover time we are attempting to work, eat dinner together as a family, spend time together as a couple & family, go on hikes, relax, and just generally enjoy our lives.

More to come on all of the above soon: pics & details from our vacation, pics and details of the shop status, pics of Aven @ 13 months and next month's book club pic as well.